


I'll Be Good

by Qrowcane (timaeustestifiedsilence)



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Drama, Drinking, F/M, Other, questioning of everything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 12:53:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13524678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timaeustestifiedsilence/pseuds/Qrowcane
Summary: Julian has done a lot in his life time. Too much.Lyrics taken from I'll Be Good by Jaymes Young.





	I'll Be Good

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to polyasrian for the random inspiration!

_ ‘I thought I saw the devil _

_ This morning’ _

 

Deep eyes, shadowed with guilt and failed sleep. Who  _ was _ that man in the mirror? Was it him? Or rather, the ghost of a studied, well renowned doctor?

Blood red flashed in his eyes if only for a moment and surely it was over then. But no, the plague was long gone, and he was a strong man - no illnesses would knock him down, not for long. He had Asra to both thank and curse for that, but he kept his mouth shut instead.

 

_ ‘Looking in the mirror, drop of rum on my tongue _

_ With the warning’ _

 

**“Julian? We ain’t even open yet, bud. You were here all night last night, you doin’ alright?”**

Clambering feet, a brush of the shoulder. Worn wood of his favorite booth still seemingly warm from the last time he was there. 

**“Eel on the rocks. _Please_.”**

 

_ ‘To help me see myself clearer’ _

 

Ilya. Ilyushka. Julian. Dr. Jules. Who was he, truly?

 

_ ‘I never meant to start a fire _

_ I never meant to make you bleed’ _

 

**“I can’t say for sure that I didn’t kill him. I mean it! I can’t remember, I can’t. . .I can’t.”**

The whole of his mind was a haze and any effort to remember was, at this point, purely masochistic. Lightning bolts to the backs of his eyes and a shattering pain in his temples told him no, and he’d rather just be a shell of his former self.

 

_ 'I'll be a better man today _

_ I'll be good, I'll be good _

_ And I'll love the world, like I should _

_ Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good _

_ For all of the time _

_ That I never could' _

 

**“I told you. We can’t. . .be together anymore. It’s too dangerous.** **_I’m_ ** **too dangerous.”** He’s wringing his hands and holding his head, he’s pacing yet his eyes never move from theirs and he just won’t stop staring, searching their eyes. Of course he wants everything to be ok, of course he does! What he wouldn’t give for a lovely, domestic life. But it could never happen, never.

**“It doesn’t have to be like this, and you know it! Let me help you, Julian. Let** **_us_ ** **help you. Portia cares about you more than she wants to admit, and I, honestly, have grown so close to you that seeing you hurt yourself like this and push everyone away kills me on the inside.”** If Julian cared about his own pain that much, then he would care about theirs just that much more. They loved him, and he knew it.

 

_ 'My past has tasted bitter _

_ For years now _

_ So I wield an iron fist _

_ Grace is just weakness _

_ Or so I've been told' _

 

Salty bitters. An addiction, now, to anything that burned his throat, his eyes, and erased the burn in his heart. The drinks seemed so familiar, as if he’d drank them his whole life, but he hadn’t. The sort of drinks he had these days were nearly exclusive to the Rowdy Raven, and his log of travelling didn’t have room to track where he’d had what.

When he was younger, new to drinking, the alcohol had consumed him. It made him a different person and had wriggled its way into how he interacted on a daily basis, made the people closest fear his intoxication. He lessened up, held back from that extra round on the house. Julian tried being. . .more  _ graceful _ with his drinking. Stretch his frown to a smirk, crinkle his eyes in a greedy grin. Women swarmed him, and they ate it all up from the palm of his hand and the bottom of his bottle. He stopped.

 

_ 'I've been cold, I've been merciless _

_ But the blood on my hands scares me to death _

_ Maybe I'm waking up today' _

 

**“Julian, stop! Please, stop!”**

As if he could. He couldn’t stop the anger, the growl growing in his throat as everything started swimming in front of him. Everything wavered, it was drowning in red, there was a  _ river _ in his  _ home _ and the woman he thought he loved was right in the middle of it.

Stomping closer, coming closer and closer even as she backed up against the wall. He just wanted the high notes in her voice to  _ cease _ .

 

_ 'I'll be good, I'll be good _

_ And I'll love the world, like I should _

_ I'll be good, I'll be good _

_ I'll be good, I'll be good' _

 

**“Whatever you want. I’ll be good, I promise.”**   
  
  


_ 'For all of the light that I shut out _

_ For all of the innocent things that I doubt _

_ For all of the bruises I've caused and the tears _

_ For all of the things that I've done all these years _

_ And all _

_ Yeah, for all of the sparks that I stomped out _

_ For all of the perfect things that I doubt' _

 

_ 'I'll be good, I'll be good _

_ And I'll love the world, like I should _

_ Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good _

_ For all of the times _

_ I never could, oh, oh-oh _

_ Oh, oh _

_ Oh, oh-oh _

_ For all of the times I never could _

_ All of the times I never could' _


End file.
